Tag Archive: depression


God, the Father watches us all everywhere.

God, the Father watches us all everywhere. (Photo credit: angelofsweetbitter2009)

So, I’ve been absent lately…I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff and, frankly, not dealing very well with any of it. When God is working on us, it can get rough sometimes and…let’s face it…I’m afraid I’ve not done a good job in handling any of it.

Which, I suppose was likely the whole point of it. I can’t handle it…not on my own. One thing I’ve learned is that the enemy is even sneakier than I thought he was! Another is, no matter how well I might think I can deal with most anything, God can do so much better than I.

I found myself in a bewildering ‘wilderness’, so to speak. Deeply depressed and lonely. No friends. Feeling abandoned by my family. At one point, I injured myself in a fall here at home; mouth busted and nose broken, bleeding from both, I called three people (I live alone and do not have my own transportation) before I found someone to come take me to the ER.  It was my daughter who lives in another county who had to make the trip to get me to the hospital. My nose was fractured and the inside of my lower lip required 5 stitches. I was out of work 2 days (it happened on Wednesday evening, so I had 4 days, including the weekend to recover enough to be able to return to work).

I could make this a long post about how this led into more depressed thinking, but I won’t. The upshot is that it led to staying home from church (not including the Sunday following the accident), having no desire to pray, not reading my Bible, and so forth. Which, of course, only made matters worse by deepening the depression.

As hard as it was to deal with this mess, I finally came to my senses enough to know that I had to give it all over to God. And that’s the beauty of being His child: Even when you think you can handle something, when it becomes clear that you can’t, God gladly, happily, willingly and joyfully takes matters into His own hands. And the result is that ‘peace that passes all understanding‘ and the ‘rest‘ that Christ promises us.

I know that there are so many people who are going through much worse than what I’ve just experienced. And I commend them for having the courage and strength to face problems like terminal illnesses, disasters (both natural and man-induced), etc. Kinda makes me wonder what He is getting me ready for.

But, I know that no matter what comes, He is here with me, He will uphold me, He will heal me and get me through it.  It’s His promise.

Hebrews  13:5c

…for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

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One year ago

Today is the first anniversary of the departure of my mother to eternal life.

Years ago, I recall thinking it would be hard for me when my mother died. It was very hard to imagine life without her. We weren’t extremely close, but not estranged or anything. We were much alike in many ways, and I was quite independent for much of my life. She helped me when I needed help, as she did for the rest of us kids (there are six of us, I’m the oldest of 5 girls and one boy)

My sister Kathy was living with her, as was my brother, and when she retired, Kathy took care of her, as she was getting more frail (she was in her seventies). Kathy, herself, was unable to work because of health issues. Another sister, who had taken over ownership of the house when Mom became concerned that she might lose it if anything happened to her, had become extremely hostile toward Kat, for reasons unknown to the rest of us. This sister was very close to Mom and when she came to visit, would sometimes close Mom’s bedroom door during the visit. I suspected and now know that she had plotted Kat’s destruction when Mom died.

This sister was the beneficiary for the only insurance policy Mom had and since Mom had no will, she was obligated to be the administrator of her estate. Since the policy was only for $10,000, there was only enough to pay the funeral costs, with just a bit left over. There turned out to be other bills that needed to be taken care of, (I knew nothing about them). She was very angry about this and blamed Kathy for running up these bills and using up Mom’s money. Kathy said that anytime Mom needed or wanted anything, she got it, even if it required using a credit card. I agree; it was Mom’s money and her cards, and if she needed or wanted it, so be it! If Kathy needed anything and Mom knew about it, it was ok with me, since she was taking care of her.

But this other sister doesn’t see it that way. Mom had fallen (again!) and broke her hip on Halloween of ’08, and wound up in the hospital, then later into a nursing home for recovery. Mom had COPD and emphysema, along with other health issues. While in the nursing home, she required a feeding tube toward the end of her stay there. (This nursing home was in the city where my other sister worked …..at her request…so she could see to her care. It was there that the tube somehow got dislodged and some of the ‘food’ got into her lungs. She became sick from this and was transferred back to our hometown to a nursing home here. This was where she died.

Six months after Mom’s death, this first sister devised a plan to get Kat out of the house, by telling her they (she and her husband) wanted $400 a month rent or she had to get out. I was staying there at the time, but it wasn’t permanent. Since Mom was gone, her SS check, of course, was stopped. It was taking all of my money to try to keep things going (my brother only paid for what he wanted; this other sister had conspired with him to let him off the hook for rent and basically turned him against us by telling him we would ‘screw him over’!) Kathy had no income, and basically, any money would have to come from me. There was no way I could do it. She took Kat and I to court after not getting only one months rent.

Sorry, but she’ll never see a penny, as she tried to extort this from us! We are now out of there. Things are extrememly hard for us. Kathy is now in a facility to get treatment for depression and being suicidal. She’s been turned down 3 times for disablity.

And I’m trying very hard to keep my eyes toward God. But it’s very difficult when every day brings more hardship. I only make so much money and though I know all things are possible with God, I’m still having a hard time with it. I’ve prayed and given it over to him, but I guess I haven’t really let it all go. I just wish that the bad stuff will at least stop for a while, and let me have a little rest!

It’s because of this situation with my other sister that I rededicated myself to God. I know he’s working on me, refining me to his will. But, oh, how hard this is! If it was just only me, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for me to go through; but I brought her with me to help her and I don’t know how! I really believed that God wanted me there in Mom’s house because He knew what was going to happen. I guess nothing is making sense to me and that’s causing my confusion.

In typing this, I realize I’ve gotten off God’s path for me. I’ve allowed the Father of Lies to deceive me. I’ve let him turn me every which way and gotten me confused and disoriented. This calls for some serious prayer time.

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